


Hopelessly Holding On

by mylifeismediocre



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-07-09 23:58:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19896520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylifeismediocre/pseuds/mylifeismediocre
Summary: When he’d died, he’d taken her freedom with him. Maybe that’s why he took his final words as a chance to apologise. As a chance to remind her that although he may be gone, her pain and suffering wasn’t. It would remain ever-present, in the forefront of her grief, of trying to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess he’d made. She wasn’t stupid. She knew that the trauma that had swallowed up her brother, step brother, would cost her comfort. She knew it would teach her why Billy was so devoid of love, why he was the way he was and did the things he did.





	1. Chapter 1

When he’d died, he’d taken her freedom with him. Maybe that’s why he took his final words as a chance to apologise. As a chance to remind her that although he may be gone, her pain and suffering wasn’t. It would remain ever-present, in the forefront of her grief, of trying to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess he’d made. She wasn’t stupid. She knew that the trauma that had swallowed up her brother, step brother, would cost her comfort. She knew it would teach her why Billy was so devoid of love, why he was the way he was and did the things he did.

It shattered her heart to pieces as she lay in El’s arms that the sole purpose of these desperate tears were not for the loss of her brother, but for the loss of the hope she blindly clutched onto. She held it closer the nights Neil would leave Billy defeated and battered, held it close the nights Neil raised his voice at her mother and the sound of a backhanded slap could be heard from behind her closed bedroom door. She held it so close for as long as she could because deep down, she knew the time would come when that hope was a nothing but a distant memory.

She’d always assumed it would’ve come when Billy had turned 18 and taken every opportunity he could to escape the small town in Indiana, and run back to California. Run back to the last place he felt loved and wanted and needed. She knew he’d held onto that dream the second they’d step foot in Hawkins. She had a similar dream, of going back to live with her dad and return to the cookie cutter life she’d once had, a white picket fence surrounding a big house at the end of the cul-de-sac. But as she lay broken in the arms of a girl who’d suffered more than Max could ever imagine, mere inches away from her brother’s dead body, the girl couldn’t hold back her fear any longer.

Max had zoned out, eyes remaining on Billy for as long as the catastrophe around them would allow her too. She could hear El whispering that everything was going to be okay, and although she wanted to believe her, Max almost felt guilty for replying with an almost inaudible “I know.”  
She was giving her best friend false hope but it’s all she could offer.

She flinched the second someone’s hands reached for her shoulders. El was long gone, huddled inside the back of an ambulance somewhere outside Starcourt Mall with Mike holding her hand and Hopper offering words of reassurance and love. Will was out there with his brother and his mum, the three holding onto each other because they’d survived it, another episode or pure terror and Will came out of it without a scratch. Dustin’s mum was holding him close, and Nancy’s was doing the same. Yet, here she was, eyes drawn to her dead brother, and the feel of Lucas trying to get her up caused nothing but an automatic desire to become combative, to fight him off. Because she knew the minute she left this damn mall, reality would sink, and she would become Neil’s new punching bag, and she wasn’t ready for that to become her life yet, to consume it.

Lucas was scared, never quite seeing his girlfriend so distraught and broken. She tended to run away when things got hard, hiding behind closed doors to cry, desperate to not show an inch of weakness to anybody. One of Billy’s many lessons she’d learnt from car rides to and from school, and awkward small talk at Christmas, or when he would lock her in his room when he knew Neil was going to become fierce some nights.

Looking down at where she was trying to fight him off, Lucas could only see the shell Max was inevitably becoming, and he knew what she was thinking. He wasn’t stupid either. She never talked about home, always avoided going there, and after that first, and only, honest conversation they’d had atop that abandoned bus in the junkyard, he knew that things at her house was never going to be smooth sailing again.

Max kicked at him and screamed at him as he pushed his feelings aside, dragging her outside and away from Billy, and forcing her into an ambulance so the bruise that had begun to form on her head could be checked and assessed. She was pleading with him to let her go, to let her have a head start so she could start running back to California, but she was breaking in his arms, the last few years of torment catching up with her, and she couldn’t stop. And he selfishly held her down because he wasn’t ready for her to leave him yet.

Lucas was grateful that his friends had clearly seen the distress he’d portrayed, like he’d sent up a smoke flare, trying to alert them that he was desperate for help and they’d all come running. The four boys had admired Max because she was fierce, and defensive, and fiery in her own right. Always aware of the situation around her and risking it all for the people she cared for. She could be cold and defensive and opinionated, but loving and reassuring and honest. She was brutal, and vicious, a colourful kaleidoscope of heat and fire, and soul. She was nobody’s fool, or that was at least the image she so helplessly portrayed inside the walls of their school, and Mike’s basement. Nobody was ready for the day she would snap. Nobody thought it would come.

Dustin was almost on the verge of tears as he held Max’s feet down hard on the stretcher, desperate for her to stop kicking, and resisting. She was so close to harming someone, or herself, and the boy was scared that he was hurting her but he was desperately running out of options. Mike clutched at her arms, holding them tightly to his chest as he watched her become restless and struggle against him, and all he could do was share a heart-breaking glance with Lucas who was holding her shoulders down as he screamed for help. Will remained frozen at the doors of the ambulance, eyes never leaving the girl before him, fighting against all of them, begging for them to just let her go and he could no longer fight back the tears he was trying so hard to keep in.

When the paramedic finally managed to sedate her, the boys’ lungs were still confined to the breaths they were instinctively holding in as they watched the strongest girl they knew fall apart and shatter before them.

\---

The next few agonizing days were quiet, filled with tired eyes and hopeless expressions, broken hearts and aching limbs. They weren’t surprised when she hadn’t shown up to Mike’s basement when he’d eagerly radioed for them to all come together and discuss the events of Starcourt. El tiredly lay upon the sofa cushions, with her injured leg propped up on the arm as Mike ran his thumb soothingly over the bandage, watching his girlfriend’s eyes often close from the sheer amount of exhaustion. Will was sat at the table, fingers fiddling with board games characters as he eyed the telekinetic girl carefully, grateful that she’d made it out of that night alive and for the most part, all in one piece. Dustin sat with his back pressed against the door, knees to his chest, grateful for the cold air he could feel around the edges of the door, feeling too hot since the day everything had broken, but his eyes remained on Lucas. The boy was sat on the stairs, staring tiredly at the wall in front of him, vacant eyes consuming his features as he fiddled with his fingers, occasionally picking up the walkie talkie and begging for his girlfriend to answer.

None of them had talked about it, that night in the ambulance, the four of them holding her down as she screamed and begged and pleaded with them to let her go. Watching her eyes fall shut, and her limbs begin to relax as the sedative eased her furrowed brows and restless mind. The paramedic had forced them outside, slamming the doors in their faces as they all took in the unexpected image they’d just witnessed. Something no one could prepare them for. She’d only managed to form words like ‘please’ and ‘California’ but it didn’t take a genius to string a sentence together from two singular words. Her eyes had a hopeless gleam to them, and the tears wouldn’t stop and from the short time they’d truly got to know her, the boys shared an understanding that this was inevitable. 

“Max, please,” Lucas begged as he was met with radio silence, knowing she was listening on the other end, knew how stubborn she could be when she felt humiliated and ashamed. He knew her better than anyone and he could almost picture her shaking body under the covers of her bed whilst she hid behind a locked door. He could almost see her lip beginning to quiver as the front door slammed, indicating that he was home. He knew the desperate, and far-fetched hope she was trying to cling onto, even though her fingers were beginning to give out.

The party remained in agonising silence for the rest of the night, desperately holding onto each other as they were reminded that their zoomer was isolating herself from them, and trying to hide away from the shame she shouldn’t be feeling.


	2. Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max is struggling to hide the truth.

Things were different now Billy was gone; inevitably different. Max had seen it the minute she watched her brother take his last breath. The house she lived in would become even emptier, even more of a threat now she didn’t have a shield to defend her from the worst monster she’d ever faced. 

She liked to play dumb on the nights Billy was left fighting against the force he was so devoid of winning. She would push her desk against her bedroom door and tune out the battle sounds with her pillows, willing herself to just fall asleep as if screaming and shouting were her favourite lullaby. That the loud bangs and crashes were her magical bedtime story. 

Despite that conversation atop the abandoned bus in the scrapyard, after Billy attacking Steve and her saving his life by wielding a bat of nails at her brother, Lucas and her friends had begun to believe that a truce had been signed between the Mayfield’s and the Hargrove’s. And although that was partly true, Max remained silent about how the night terrors were soon becoming day terrors, and before she knew it, it was constant. She found herself thanking anyone who listened, any God above her, that Billy got that lifeguard position. It saved his life, and destroyed it at the same time. He couldn’t catch a break. Once he was done defending himself at home every morning, he came to work only to be tortured buy other-world monsters. But his father tended to stay back with the blows once he learned of his son’s lifeguard uniform.

Now with her knight long gone, the desk shoved against her bedroom door was no longer as strong, or as safe, as she’d originally thought.

\--

Max was grateful how quickly fall had rushed into Hawkins. The cold was such a relief for bringing big jumpers, and jeans and hoodies. It was easy to hide the wounds from the battles she fought every night under long sleeves and multiple layers. Every little mark, every bruise, every scratch showed up so clearly on her pale, porcelain skin. Had the weather been any hotter, she doesn’t like to think what she would’ve done. She was a California girl down to the bone, feeling the heat so strongly, that she actually didn’t mind the sudden drop in temperature that she used to despise so strongly.

Skating to school caused her to leave hours before the first bell would begin to ring. Gliding down the streets she used to take in Billy’s Camaro made her stomach twist so tightly, she found herself heaving by the side of the road. Everything was so different now, so unfamiliar. She knew these streets like the back of her hand, and now she wonders if she ever knew them at all. She remembers them with incredibly loud rock music, raised voices, and attempts of running over some boys from her science class. She remembers the bruises around her left wrist, and how desperately distraught she’d been that things had gotten physical. She wished now that all she had were fading yellow marks scattered around her arms. 

Max was grateful to be the first one at the bike rack that morning. It gave her enough time to compose herself, pull her sleeves down as far as they would go and undo her hair from the messy ponytail she’d thrown it up in to skate. She prayed it would be enough to cover the bruises around her neck. She hated how easy it was for anyone in the party to catch on to the slightest hint of something not being quite right. But thankfully, she knew the rules of the game now. She knew how to conceal the ability of being able to look straight through her, and as she caught sight of the boys on their bikes approaching, she plastered on that fake smile she’d gotten to know so well, as she lifted her hand to give a small wave.

Lucas got to her first, locking his bike up in the rack as he returned the smile she’d given him.

“Hey, you’re never the first one here.” He grinned as he threw his arms around her, and she prided herself on how she didn’t flinch, returning the hug just as strongly. His arms were the only place she felt secure, and she was always reluctant to leave them. Lucas loved having that little piece of information. He loved knowing the Max Mayfield no one else got to see. How, despite her feisty and hard exterior, she loved warm cuddles, falling asleep tucked under his arm, listening to his voice talk about the things he loved so dearly. Whenever it was just the two of them, he could see her defences begin to crumble, and he loved vulnerable Max just as much as the one who would kick his ass if he put even a toe out of line.

“Alright guys, enough PDA.” Dustin joked as he caught up with them, securing his bike beside Lucas’s as he turned to face the couple, smirking when he caught sight of them looking a little flushed as they pulled away from one another.

“I hate being back at school.” Mike grumbled as he reached them, Will not so far behind nodding at his friend’s statement.

Max, however, was grateful for the escape from her house. She’d been counting down the days until she got at least 6 hours of freedom again, often escaping to do homework at someone’s house at the end of the day, and even the arcade if she was lucky. She felt like she had a bit of control again, a castle to defend herself in, and she was pretty sure she was the only one to be happy to sit through an hour of social studies first period. 

\--

Lunch was when she’d made a wrong move.

Food was not an option for her currently as she’d been feeling sick since the day her brother had died, since her worst nightmare had vastly developed into reality. Max couldn’t stomach whatever greasy stuff they were serving at the cafeteria, and she hadn’t had time to make anything at home. She could see the confusion in Will’s face as he sat down beside her, lunch bag dropped to the table as he pulled out his sandwich.

“You’re not eating?” He asked, and Max winced at the concern lacing his voice.

“I’m not hungry.” 

Before Will could open his mouth again, the remaining party members sat down at the table. Lucas plonked himself the other side of her, eyebrows furrowing at the lack of food in front of her. And as she looked up, she recognised the same expression on Mike and Dustin’s faces opposite her. She mentally cursed herself for not realising how much of a big deal this potentially was, that now people looked as if they pitied her and she hated it. She didn’t need anyone’s pity. Especially not from her friends.

“I just don’t feel well, okay? I’ll be fine tomorrow.” She’d reassured them once they’d questioned her, quickly attempting to change the topic. “So, what’s the plan tonight?”

“We’re at the Wheeler’s tonight.” Dustin confirmed, swallowing a bite of the burrito on his plate, eyes lighting up. “God, I’ve missed cafeteria food.” He hummed happily, before that dream was shattered when confused eyes fell upon him. “Oh, shut up. You don’t like it?”

It was safe to say that he was outnumbered on that one

\--

Sitting around Mike’s basement was something Max hadn’t realised she’d missed so much. It was one of the safest places she’d ever been, and she doesn’t feel surprised at El camping out there for a week 2 years prior. She missed having the girl around at times like this, wondering how being hidden in a cabin in the woods for days on end must feel. Max wished she could swap places with her, and she knows El secretly wished for that too. The dislike she’d had for Max at the beginning of their friendship had been triggered by one thing; jealousy. 

El hated how another girl could make Mike laugh when she was gone, and she hated even more that this girl was not being a well-kept secret. El longed for the days she’d finally get to experience things, like the days at the beginning of the past summer. But the consequences of the fallout a few weeks later, and the secrecy they were tied too, El found herself locked in the middle of the woods again. She didn’t know what felt worse; the feeling of never living or experiencing everything so deeply only to have it ripped away from you in a matter of weeks.

Max found her mind disappearing back to a day a few weeks ago when she’d heard Lucas’s desperate plea over the walkie talkie she’d hidden under her bed. She’d avoided them the first couple of weeks after Starcourt. Not because she wanted too, but because she wanted to keep them safe. She could almost see Lucas sat on the stairs, pulling at a thread on his t-shirt as he clutched the radio in his hand. She’d felt guilty. She’d felt ashamed that she was hurting people she cared about so much, but she didn’t have a choice. Neil had been getting worse, and it was too hot to hide the injuries he’d inflicted upon her. For once, Max had been grateful that California was a distant memory, not a reality she had once dreamed she could return too.

Max knew Lucas understood her fears about tackling Neil on her own. He knew about the abuse between father and son within the walls of his girlfriend’s house. He knew he was never allowed to go there, and he knew that it was always going to be a house out of convenience and deception, rather than a house out of love.

But Max didn’t want Lucas to ever worry about her. He’d done so much of that since they’d met that she managed to convince him that Neil had left her alone, that she’d misinterpreted the situation entirely, and now life had never been better. It had taken some convincing and a few arguments for him to believe her, but he had eventually, and then he’d left it alone. Max had felt guilty at first, considering how they’d promised each other to never lie. She wouldn’t have finally been accepted into the party if she hadn’t taken that oath to heart. But she found herself weighing out the options. Lying to Lucas and keeping him safe, or telling him the truth and seeing him get hurt. Lying had become so easy for her, and it was something she loved and hated at the same time.

She doesn’t like to think of that night in the ambulance, too ashamed too. It had taken Max a long time to build up the walls around her, but they’d crumbled so fast that night and it had been completely out of her control. Unfamiliar monsters and watching something odd get pulled out of her best friend’s leg hadn’t scared her as much as the thought of going home after Starcourt had. She’d watched her friends desperately find their families and feel safe again, and she hated that the party instantly recognised that she felt more protected within the walls of that mall then she ever would at home. It had all clicked for them then, and it was the first time Mike had been sincere with her. She hated it, she still hates it, so she tries her hardest to pretend it never happened.

“Max.” She was snapped out of her thoughts by Lucas’s concerned voice, and she was brought back into the moment.

“You’ll give yourself a headache thinking so hard.” Dustin joked, and she smiled warily at him.

“What were you thinking about?” Will asked, voice always quieter than the others.

“How I’m going to kick your asses at Dig-Dug later.”


End file.
